i'm not dead

So i've been going through a lot recently. I just got out of an abusive relationship. i've been coping a lot with language learning and programming.

And the shit goes like this: i've been learning math through python for a program I'm developing. I don't want to get too much into it but it is related to image editing, I found out that RGB values are represented as tuples in Python, like (255, 0, 0) for red (i know it's basic but my mind couldn't fanthom the idea at first sight).

Anyway, today i received a message from my ex (via sms, since i blocked her everywhere). I didn't even know that she came home to get her stuff. I explicitly told my mother to not let me know if she comes, since thinking about her puts me in so much distress. I was sleeping when I received her text today and it made me feel so bad. I don't know why does she do this. I don't even understand, I knew she was bad, I knew she was sick, but so do I. Though, I don't want to be like her and I am trying to heal. She really did me bad. I even quit tiktok because the mental status in where i am currently at is not good enough to handle the amount of toxicity that app has. I don't want to be reminded of her, I don't want to be reminded of the past, I just want to move on and live my life.

Maybe someday I will heal. I won't deny that I've been thinking about commiting suicide, but I know deep down I deserve better, that I was abused and that this will be temporary. At least I could do something with my life before I leave in any case.

Cisgender women are nasty human beings. She turned off my inner light. I will be fine though.